Nervous Nellies  

Perhaps this illness could also be dubbed the April jitters. It happens every year during the first three weeks of the season. In leagues across the country right now owners are scrambling to deal Mariano Rivera and John Smoltz, while picking up Joe Randa and Jorge Cantu. These owners are in your league, my league, and any other league to be found. They fear that the patterns of performance that dominate the first month of the season will be the rule and not the exception. Running after these early-season stars is the fantasy equivalent of premature ejaculation. Fantasy owners, in their desire to score, forget about the need for stamina, endurance, the long groove. Your best bet to avoid this pitfall is to study past performance and monthly splits in performance. And here’s a freebie on Randa: he may go .300 and drive in a hundy, but he’s never gone deep more than 16. Maybe he goes 20 this year. But you’ve already missed three of ‘em and he’s got a long line of 0-fers knocking on his door.    

Early Loves  

Imagine my delight ten years ago when I drafted  Karl “Tuffy” Rhodes after he won an outfield job with the Cubs in Spring. On opening day he proceeded to set off three bombs, only the second player to ever accomplish the feat. I was certain that my time had finally come and I was going to ride that pony all the way to a 1^st place ribbon at the County Fair. Of course, Tuffy dropped turds, not bombs, the rest of the season, on his way to a .234 clip and only five more roundtrippers. (Nevermind that he’s gone yard 200 times in the last four years in Japan!)

What I fell in love with that day in 1994 in Wrigley was not Tuffy Rhodes nor his three homeruns. That was all incidental. What I fell in love with was the idea of my own genius. I had drafted him, based on spring performance, before opening day. Then he validated my scouting, and more importantly, my undiscovered genius(and isn’t that why we all really play anyway?). I couldn’t waive him after that validation because he was a player who was somehow, magically, in tune with me, and he would see to it, personally, that I got my just due. If you’re going to become emotionally attached to your players, do so because you know and like their characters, their play, their persona. But don’t fall in love with their performance or their connection to your ego. If you do, they will break your heart hard and fast.   

Burnouts

Much like the Nervous Nellie, the Burnout is a little too overzealous for the start of the season. They take on too many teams(anything over three or four compromises one’s ability to either manage the teams or lead a facsimile of a healthy, productive life. And too often it’s the latter that suffers), and attempt to consume too much baseball in the first three weeks. Keeping up with who’s winning playing time is one thing, but it’s the fellow that worries me who has WGN and TBS games on the tube while staring at his computer screen as his players’ at bats ticker in on the live stats page. In fact, some owners perform add/drops based on one evening’s performance and that’s why they molest their mouse all night (you freaks should re-read the above entry on Nervous Nellies).  I urge you all to abandon online box scores in favor of reading them in the morning newspaper (remember those days?). Your life will change for the better. You will have more trust and discipline in your character. And this way you won’t have to drop out of your leagues come July because everyone you live with hates you and your obsessive compulsive baseball habits. Not only will your teams do better if you give them breathing room, your life will, too.

Stockbrokers

These owners are crafty, always move their players, and will probably win your league. Void of the emotional baggage you and I entertain in the course of a season(often because they’re void of emotions, period), they’re purpose is not to roster Pujols or Santana for an entire season, but rather to capitalize on the hot streaks of such players. The Stockbroker knows that Mike Lowell will play like Mike Schmidt between May and July, and like Mike Andrews in August and September. So at the All-Star break he packages him in a deal for a second-half Santana. Perhaps the most critical element to the success of the Stockbroker, though, is the presence of the Nervous Nellie.

Robert Stapleton is, sadly, a little of all of the above types of owners. He teaches writing at Butler University in Indianapolis. His comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Rotochamps.com.